Getting Real on getting over myself

Why didn't anyone with school aged kids warn me that summer time is a horrible time?! I feel like I've been running around in circles. I've been working too much, over scheduling myself and just plain stressing out. With all of the kids making messes and fighting and whining and wanting to eat all day long, I've just about lost my marbles. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I have so many blessings that I give thanks for daily, but...I'm seriously stressed.

The story of late....

I have a husband that requires a lot of attention. Sometimes I like to say that he's the wife. He wants to snuggle and talk and wants me to focus and remember everything he says.


Now there's me. I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I've been very detached lately. Pretty sure its from having wild banshees running around my house all day. I've tuned out emotion just so I can make it through the day with out packing my bags and going to a hotel so I can just be ALL ALONE. Even just for an hour! I know I'm not the only mom who feels like this either. I give all day and work to keep a house of order, which mostly is in chaos, just to have husband come home and want more attention and love. I don't feel like there is anymore of myself to give. Poor guy.

There is something you must understand about me. I'm controlling. I think most women are or have to be to some degree in order to run a home. You do have to be a manager type to make it work. I think sometimes I go overboard. I just don't know how to relax and have fun if my house is a mess or if there are things to be done. I think this is always a struggle I will have. Not that I am a freaky clean person, just that disorder really bugs the crap out of me.

Okay, now is some serious venting.

I am confused!! We are told to have house of cleanliness and order. To have FHE and make sure that you have a fun lesson planned, Prayer, scripture study, family scripture study, serve, bake, have hobbies, learn new skills, get an education, raise children of all ages to be sweet angels, be patient, loving, supportive, organized, have food storage, learn to cook from it, be prepared for emergencies, responsibilities in the church, make time for yourself. The list goes on and on.

My thoughts... we are only human. I know these things are important, but they are driving women mad! (unless you are a robot, and I think I've met a few) Trying to get a grip on all of these things reminds me of a time when I went on a hike in the superstition mountains. I ended up getting the trail mixed up and started climbing up this wash. The rocks were all loose and every time you took a step some of the rocks would start moving and falling down the hill. A trail that should have taken 5 minutes was ending up taking 45.

If we try to do all of these things at the same time, we can have no foundation. We always feel overwhelmed and like we are trying so hard to make it up this mountain and it just seems impossible.

I have been so stressed and overwhelmed lately. I new somthing needed to be done. I took the weekend to figure out my life. So here is what I've learned over the last few days through some serious soul searching and prayer.

1. I need to simplify. This is always something that I have to remind myself of every year or so, as I seem to get carried away. Stop planning so much crap to do. when I'm in a hurry simple little things can feel like a catastrophe. I need to slow down. and sometimes Its okay to just stay at home and relax.

2. I need to prioritize. All of those things being taught to us are important, but almost impossible to try and conquer at once. The most important being FHE and family prayer. As long as those are our foundations we can work in the others gradually

3. I need to have fervent morning prayer. I need to start my day that way in order to function properly. I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to the past few years because I'm always getting catapulted out of bed with whines of "I'm hungry" and then my day is off and running.

4. I need to stop being so selfish. I signed up for this job. I decided to have these kids and now I need to get over myself and deal with my responsibilities. I need to love them and nurture them and take care of them even if I feel its cutting in what I want to be doing.

5. I need to get over my hormonal constipation and love my husband. He works every day for our family and has provided this home and a car for me to drive and my new Nano ;) Even if I feel like I give all day long, he still deserves love and attention. We made promises to love and honor each other. I need to work harder at fighting whatever chemical imbalance that is going on in my brain and just love him.

6. I need to stop comparing myself to what everyone else does or has. Honestly, I will probably never live in that beautiful $500,000 house or drive fancy cars. All wanting that stuff has done is make me ungrateful for what I do have. My van is ugly, but it takes me where I need to go. My house may be small but it provides shelter and is a place where we share memories. It is not for showing off it is for living in and I need to be more grateful. One thing that has helped me is to stop reading fashion magazines or watching those dumb celebrity news shows. I don't know those people, I never will, I don't care what they are doing or wearing or who they are dating. It has no bearing on my life what so ever. That pointless wasted time only makes me feel inadequate, when I am actually the one who is better off.

Through these last few days I've come to realize that I love my life for what it is. I love my house even though its cramped, I love my body even though its not what "society" says it should be, I love my kids even though they can be really naughty. If they were quiet and good all the time it wouldn't be as fun. I love my husband. Sometimes I wish he could be buff like Hugh Jackman ;) but I love him for who he is. He was everything I thought I needed when I decided to marry him and to this day he still is.
I have trials in my life. They may be not as hard or different from other people's. But what I do know is that everything that has been thrown my way, good or bad, has changed me as a person. I am who I am because of those times.

In getting over myself the last few days, I've gotten to know myself. My life isn't all about me. its about how I impact those around me. Its how I spend my time building my family up. Its preparing my children for their lives as adults. I've learned that life is worthless unless you share it, and that's what I plan to do.